By Alan on Aug 30 in Blog tagged clever, cry, dumb, funny, laugh, smile, The Family | Comments Off

Sometimes we take life too seriously!

Wanna Smile?

I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met
herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Why were the Indians first in America ? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the ‘heck’ out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist. 

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. Police have
nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro – what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Shepherd fell over the cliff, didn’t see the ewe turn.

Pregnant bed bug was to have a baby in the spring.

Kirk Matson
For The Family 

By Alan on Mar 31 in Blog tagged a day without laughter, after 70 years of age, forced to work, laughter, smile | Comments Off

 When We Are Forced To Work After 70 Years Of Age!

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin

Paul Linford
For The Family 

By Alan on Mar 27 in Blog tagged a laugh a day keeps the Neighbors Away, cry, laugh, Marlon Snow, smile, The Family, the yolk is on you | Comments Off

A Laugh A Day Keeps The Neighbors Away

THE YOLK IS ON YOU!

A Friend of  The Family

By Alan on Feb 13 in Blog tagged apologize, better care, borrowed, Call a friend, complacency, courage, demands, discourage, don't blow horn, encourage, free of malice, gratitude, I love you, kaugh, kind and thoughtful, lighten up, make a promise, make effort, pay a debt, pesimist, principles, read, reality, resolve problems, share stories, smile, smoke, soft answer, tall, think, understand | Comments Off

Do the things you’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t find the time.

• Call up a forgotten friend. Drop an old grudge, and replace it with some pleasant memories.
  
• Share a funny story with someone whose spirits are dragging.  A good laugh can be very good medicine.
  
• Vow not to make a promise you don’t think you can keep.
  
• Pay a debt.
• Give a soft answer.
  
• Free yourself of envy and malice.
  
• Encourage some youth to do his or her best.  Share your experience, and offer support.  Young people need role models.
  
• Make a genuine effort to stay in closer touch with family and good friends. 

• Resolve to stop magnifying small problems and shooting from the lip.  Words that you have to eat can be hard to digest.
  .
• Find the time to be kind and thoughtful. All of us have the same allotment.  24 hours a day.  Give a compliment.  It might give someone a badly needed lift.
  
• Think things through. Forgive an injustice.  Listen more.  Be kind.
  
• Apologize when you realize you are wrong. An apology never diminishes a person.  It elevates him.
  
• Don’t blow your own horn. IF you’ve done something praiseworthy, someone will notice eventually.
  
• Try to understand a point of view that is different from your own.  Few things are 100 percent one way or another.
  
• Examine the demands you make on others.
  
• Lighten up. When you feel like blowing your top, ask yourself.  “Will it matter a week from today?”
  
• Laugh the loudest when the joke is on you.
  
• The sure way to have a friend is to be one. We are all connected by our humanity, and we need each other.
  
• Avoid malcontents and pessimists. They drag you down and contribute nothing.
  
• from trying something risky.  Nothing-ventured means nothing gained.  Be optimistic.  The can-do spirit is the fuel that makes things go.
  
• Go to war against animosity and complacency.
• Express your gratitude. Give credit when it’s due- and even when it isn’t.  It will make you look good.
• Read something uplifting. Deep-six the trash.  You wouldn’t eat garbage – why put it in your head?
  
• Don’t abandon your old-fashioned principles. They never go out of style.
  
• When courage is needed, ask yourself, “If not me, who?  If not now, when?”
  
• Take better care of yourself. Remember, you’re all you’ve got.  Pass up that second helping.  You really don’t need it.  Vow to eat more sensibly.  You’ll feel better and look better, too.
  
• Don’t put up with secondhand smoke. Nobody has the right to pollute your air or give you cancer.  If someone says, “This is a free country,” remind him or her hat the country may be free, but no person is free if he has a habit he can’t control.
  
• Return those books you borrowed. Reschedule that missed dental appointment.  Clean out your closet.  Take those photos out of the drawer and put them in an album.  If you see litter on the sidewalk, pick it up instead of walking over it.
  
• Give yourself a reality check. Phoniness is transparent, and it is tiresome.  Take pleasure in the beauty and the wonders of nature.  A flower is God’s miracle.
  
• Walk tall, and smile more. You’ll look 10 years younger.
  
• Don’t be afraid to say, “I love you.” Say it again.  They are the sweetest words in the world.
• If you have love in your life, consider yourself blessed, and vow to make this the best year ever.

By Alan on Sep 08 in Blog tagged be happy, dance, forgive, kiss, laugh, smile, The Family, theFamily, What you were cut out to be | Comments Off

Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, is a full minute of happiness you’ll never get back.

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile..

Life may not to be the party we hoped for, but while we’re here we should dance!

Have You Become What You Were Cut Out To Be?

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“But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life.” Rom. 6: 22

Kirk Matson
For The Family

By Alan on Jul 07 in Daily Inspiration tagged humor, laughter, on the lighter side, smile, The Family, theFamily, will rogers | 1 Comment

On The Lighter Side:

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman.  Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

1. The ones that learn by reading.

2. The few who learn by observation.

3. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER…

First  ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second  ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third  ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me; I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.

Fourth  ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth  ~ You knowyou are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth  ~ I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh  ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being young.

Eighth  ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth  ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth  ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today it’s called golf.

And, finally  ~ If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old.

“O be wise; what can I say more?” Jacob 6: 12

Chuck Tate
For The Family

By Alan on May 17 in Blog tagged animals, exercise, out of trouble, people, smile, some great tips, stay focused, team work relax, The Family, theFamily | Comments Off

1.  Stay out of trouble.

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2. Aim for greater  heights.

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.

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3. Stay focused on  your job.

..

4.  Exercise to maintain good health.

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5.  Practice team work.

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6.  Rely on your trusted partner to

watch your back.

..

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Take your time trusting others.

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8.  Rest and relax.

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9. Always take time to smile.
lways take time to smile.

AND

10.  Realize that nothing is impossible.

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This should make  you smile:

THE SENILITY  PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. 

Always  Remember This: 

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because  you stop laughing!!!

.

Kirk Matson
For The Family

By Alan on May 06 in Blog tagged ever wonder, humor, laugh, make you smile, only in America, smile, stupidity, The Family, theFamily | Comments Off

-Only in America ……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

EVER WONDER …

-Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

-Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

-Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

-Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

-Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

-Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

-Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

-Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

-Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

-You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

-Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

-Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

I like this one!!!

-If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

-If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)…in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.. Spread the Stupidity!

“Wherefore Enoch saw that Noah built an ark; and that the Lord smiled upon it, and held it in his own hand; but upon the residue of the wicked the floods came and swallowed them up.” Moses 7: 43

Harold Jacklin
For The Family

By Alan on Mar 14 in Blog tagged faith, Five, giving, hello, helping, lessons, serving, smile, thinking of others, treat people | Comments Off

1 – First Important Lesson – Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read
The last one: “What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?”
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the Cleaning woman several times. She was tall, Dark-haired and in her 50′s, but how would I know her name?
I handed in my paper, leaving the last question Blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
“Absolutely, ” said the professor. “In your careers, you will meet many people.  All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
Is smile and say “hello. “I’ve never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy

2. – Second Important Lesson – Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American Woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally Unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960′s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and Put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his Address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a Knock came on the man’s door. To his surprise, a
Giant console color TV was delivered to his home.
A Special note was attached it read: “Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my Clothes, but also my spirits.  Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying
Husband’s’ bedside just before he passed away… God Bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.” Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 – Third Important Lesson – Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and Sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in Front of him.
“How much is an ice cream sundae?” he asked.
“Fifty cents,” replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.
“Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?” he inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the Waitress was growing impatient.
“Thirty-five cents,” she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins.
“I’ll have the plain ice cream,” he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on The table and walked away The boy finished the ice Cream, paid the cashier and left.
When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the Table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.
You see, he couldn’t have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 – Fourth Important Lesson. – The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a Roadway.  Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the King’s’ wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it.  Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of Vegetables.  Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road.  After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the
Peasant picked up his load of vegetables; he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.  The peasant learned what many of us never understand!
Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5 – Fifth Important Lesson – Giving when it counts…

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease.  Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.  I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, “Yes I’ll do it if it will save
her.”  As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.
He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, “Will I start to die right away”.
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

Most importantly…. ”Live with no regrets, Treat people the way you want to be treated, Work like you don’t need the money, Love like you’ve never been hurt, and Dance like you do when nobody’s watching.”

Kirk Matson
For The Family

By Alan on Jan 14 in Daily Inspiration tagged alright, fine, happy, ok, person, smile, strong, tears, thinking, you | Comments Off

Thinking Of You..

A strong person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say “I’m ok” with a smile.