By Alan on May 19 in Blog tagged commitment, complement, Family, Father, fidelity, husband, Linda and Richard Eyre, love, man, marriage, married, mother, oneness, priesthood power, procreative power, relationship, stewardship, together, ways, wife, woman | Comments Off

I Love Marriage.

A short essay on Linda, love and being a husband by Richard Eyre

I love mariage.  I love everything about marriage, even the disagreements and tough times.  I love having someone with whom I share everything and who knows everything about me, sometimes things I don’t even know myself.

I love partnership with my wife, full and total partnership where we literally try to share everything, even bank accounts, even our emails, even everything; and where there are no secrets, even little ones.

Neither of us is anything remotely close to perfect, and neither is our relationship, but I love the synergy of that and how all of my weaknesses seem to be made up and compensated for by Linda’s strength, and where, on our best days, our total is greater than the sum of its parts.

I love that we each have our own ways of doing things, very different ways that, again on our good days, complement each other and make possible things that neither of us could do on our own.

I have come to acknowledge and partially understand that Linda is, like all women, a complex organism and that if you try to change one little thing or one little part of her you might set off some kind of chain reaction that would alter the whole and end up changing the very things you love most about her.  Therefore, I tell her, in total honesty, that I would not change one little thing about her.  I have told her that so much, and explained the reasoning behind it, that I think she finally believes me.

I love the word “husband.”  It means stewardship, it means care, it means cherishing and taking care of.  But I think it also means partnership — the kind with complete respect and unbending commitment and fidelity.

I love that Linda’s role in our family is the most important one — that her instinctive and intuitive love of our children has guided their lives more than any other thing and that the title of “Mother” truly is the most important and influential and indispensable and irreplaceable role on this planet.

I love the fact that we share both the procreative power and the priesthood power — that neither can be fully or fruitfully used by one of us without the other.  I love that Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve said in his recent conference talk that just as a woman cannot have a child without a man, so a man cannot fully and eternally use the priesthood without the woman.

I love the poetic quality of that statement — that both procreative power and priesthood power must be shared between a celestially married man and woman.

 I love that an individual man or an individual woman is not a perfectible entity, but that a man and woman together are.

I even love what Benjamin Franklin said — that a single man is like a half a pair of scissors.  And I love the gospel knowledge that tells us that every one of God’s children, whether on this earth or hereafter, will have the opportunity of everlasting marriage and oneness and family glory.

Oh, by the way, and in case you couldn’t tell, I love Linda.

Note: Richard and Linda Eyre are New York Times No. 1 best-selling authors who lecture throughout the world on family-related topics.  Visit them anytime at www.EyresFreeBooks.com or at www.valuesparenting.com.

For The Family

By Alan on Apr 16 in Blog tagged adolescents, boys, BYU, child, communicate, dad, daughters, emotion, example, Family, Father, fathering, feelings, friends, girl, hazerdous, hero, independent, mom, needs, One Heart, relationship, rewarding, sit down, Son, talk, teenagers, Today, trust, works, youth | Comments Off

TheFamily.com has a working relationship with BYU’s School of Family Life, and a group called ‘Father Work‘ and have invited them to join us here with some of their content.  They are “Of One Heart” in “Strengthening Families”.

Fathering Teenagers

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• “The most important…work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.”-Harold B. Lee.
  
• Content
  
  • Overview
  • Stories
  • Conclusion
• Overview
  Fathering teenagers often seems hazardous to one’s health, but it can also be rewarding and enjoyable. This is a time of life when teenagers are searching for an identity and a group to associate with. They are seeking answers to questions such as,”Who am I? What is my place in life?” and they are starting to think more for themselves.Fathering is important for today’s youth. Teenagers need someone to look to as an example for advice and support and who will listen and try to understand. Fathers can help their teenagers develop a commitment to a chosen value system and a stable identity that will protect them as they mature towards adult lives.A father’s support during these tumultuous times can be especially important in not only giving his son or daughter a sense of security in dealing with various peer and cultural pressures, but also in developing the self-discipline and moral judgement to rise above that peer pressure (Biller, 1993, p. 71, 181).

  Stories
  Many fathers mention time as an important aspect of fathering adolescents, not just time spent with their teenagers but time made available for them by their children. One father notes that one of the most meaningful areas in his relationship with his daughter is his availability to sit down and communicate with her about whatever she wants to talk about.

  Snarey (1993, p. 161) suggests that nurturant father-daughter relationships facilitate healthy social and emotional development of the daughter. These stories illustrate how Chris and his daughter Elizabeth have become emotionally close during these times, demonstrating the need for relationship work during adolescence.

  “There have been times when she has had some problems. It would take her a long while to get around to talking to me, but sometimes she did sit down and we would talk–not that I came to any conclusions. I think she came to more of the conclusions on her own regarding the problems that she had. But I was there just to talk with her and listen. Again, those seem to be the special times that she and I have had.

  “Now when she wants to know something, it’s mainly about boys. My two older daughters want to know why boys are the way they are. I ask, “What do you mean?” And so they bring up a particular instance, and so I have to sit down with both of them and say, “Well, they come from a different background than I do. The way they’re feeling about things might be entirely different.

  “But, here are some of the things that I went through at that age.” I let them come up with their own conclusions at that point because I don’t know what he’s thinking! Every once in a while she still has problems and will come and talk, and we talk them through. Those are special times. They are also very personal times. I would say that those are the times I really feel close to my daughters.”

  Snarey (1993, p. 277) suggests that men who had active fathers are more likely to be active with their own children. One father told about his experience of having a dad that was always there for him.

  “He’s always been there. I’ll just always remember him as being there, no matter what. We were in a state championship game in football and it came down to a last-second field goal. I was the field goal kicker and I missed it. I went home and was going to go with some friends somewhere. Dad was out cutting wood and feeding the horses, and I went and talked to him. He just said, “Well, sometimes you do and sometimes you don’t.” I could always talk to Dad and tell him anything, no matter what I did, whether it was wrong or right. I could always tell Dad, and he always stood behind me.

  Trust is very important in a relationship, especially a parent-child relationship. The following is a story about a man who was not trusted by his father and what that meant to him:

  “We were cleaning up in the back yard, a Saturday activity for everyone (or else), and I walked toward the garbage can. The garbage can was on the corner of the garage and at the garbage can I saw a dime. I got it and was happy to see it, and the next thing I knew [my father] was there questioning me where I got it. I said, “I found it out on the garbage can.” I don’t remeber exactly what he said, but it was basically, “You’re a liar. Tell me the truth–where did you come up with this?” I guess that hurt quite a bit….Painful things stand out. I think it’s disbelief. Why doesn’t a parent believe what a child is saying? I hear it in myself.

  Biller (1993, p.76) suggests that if the father has a warm relationship with his children, they will be more likely to respond positively to many dimensions of his behavior, such as his moral tenets and patterns of relating to others. Adolescents who are searching for an identity will pattern their lives after those whom they trust. Teenagers watch their parents closely in looking for values and standards. Jeff, a father in New Zealand, recalls his father’s example to him and his brothers. This story illustrates mentoring work, as the father passes to his children morals he holds to be important.

  “He always taught us to be honest. One time I remember that there was someone that he was working for that wanted a bunch of extra things done, so my dad did the work. Later, when Dad charged him for it, the guy said that he wouldn’t pay–and then his wife got in on it. She said no, that my dad had quoted a different price, but she didn’t take into account all of this other work, so they didn’t pay. That guy was a mechanic. My dad had some of his cars being worked on in his shop.

  “After the guy had worked on them, this lady from the shop called and said that they hadn’t charged us enough and it would be an extra forty or so dollars. My brother and I were really brassed off [upset] because we thought that, well, he wasn’t paying his bill–why should we pay them? My dad said no, that it was up to us to be the honest ones and pay. I think we went down there and paid the money. That guy never did pay us back for the extra work. And yet, my dad said that it was not for us to judge that guy and that, if we pay, the Lord would help us.”

  Snarey (1993, p.157) suggests that fathers continue to be models for their adolescent children even though these children are trying to become independent of their parents. When both the father and the mother are actively involved parents, their child is much more likely to develop into a socially and morally mature adult (Biller, 1993, p.76). Being active in the lives of children is an important element ofrelationship work, as these next three stories show. Shawn, a father of two, shares an experience when his father helped him see the importance of telling the truth.

  “I remember coming home after being out with some friends; I’d had a little bit to drink. . . . Mother always waited up for me and Dad slept. If Mom ever mentioned anything bad, he’d wake right up. If Mom said, “Have you been doing this–?” then I’d hear, “What?” coming from Dad’s side of the bed. Although I can’t remember the details of that night very well, I do remember that I felt more tension than I ever had felt between Dad and me. Dad left for work at about 6:00 the next morning, as usual.

  “As I was about to leave for school, Mom said, “Make sure you come home right after school because your Dad wants to talk to you.” The worst thing about it was that at first, when they’d asked me the night before if I’d been drinking, I had said, “no.” Then I’d started thinking about ways that I was going to get out of telling the truth, but I’d realized I couldn’t, so I’d just decided to tell them what really happened. I remember the disappointment.”

  “When I got home from school that afternoon, he hadn’t come home yet. It was the longest half-hour I’ve ever waited in my life. He came home, went in and gave Mom a kiss and talked to Mom, then said, “Mark, come in the room.” He didn’t ask me why I had been drinking; instead he simply said, “Why did you lie to me?” Those were his first words. “Why did you lie to me?” I wasn’t ready for that question.

  “That’s all he wanted to know, and I felt like the biggest heel right then. It wasn’t so much the drinking; it was that I had lied to him. That’s probably the farthest away that I’ve ever felt from him, doing that–lying to him. I hope he taught me a lesson there–to always tell the truth, no matter what the circumstance may be. Hopefully, when my kids come to me and tell me the truth, I won’t act in a way so that they won’t want to tell their dad the truth.”

  The following is a story of a father who learned how he wished to discipline his children by an experience he had with his own father:

  “He slapped me once. I can’t even remember what I said, but we were in the car and I mouthed something back at him. He slapped me in the face. What I remember is how awful that was. It was more devastating than any ten spankings he’d ever given me in my life. It was very personal, being in my face, and he had never done that before. I guess I must have just pushed him right over the edge, but I learned something from that which you didn’t have to draw out of me….It is not worth what it does.

  “I’m not faulting him for doing it either. There have been times that I’ve wanted to slap my kids. I don’t think that he was really being a bad father, but I understood something about what it felt like to be on the receiving end of that which made me not want to do it to mine.”

  Fathers can be an emotional support to their teenagers by being there in those times when they are needed most. Some fathers recall times when they needed their fathers’ support and it wasn’t there.

  “I remember a time when I felt emotionally distant from my father. . . I’m not sure if he was aware that I knew of the situation. It was a case, because of the things that I was involved in, that somebody had the audacity to go to my father and tell him that I was gay. My father did nothing. He didn’t say anything. He never said anything to me, but he didn’t say anything to the guy, and that made me feel like he didn’t really care one way or the other what people said about me, and didn’t really know me at all. In those times if you were into drama, dancing and those things you had to be gay.

  “Something had to be wrong with you. So something was definitely wrong and you had to get a little hassled. The thing was that the man had the nerve to say it to my father, not to someone else on the side but directly to him, and then sit there and laugh about it. And my father did nothing. I remember that particular thing because it hurt me and it made me feel like maybe I was adopted, or maybe he just didn’t care for me. And the other thing is maybe he believed it.”

  One father, Shawn, tells of an experience when his father was there to support him and how he felt about it. This story illustrates the power of recreation work, as Shawn’s father took time to support him outside of his father’s daily routine.

  “The one (experience) that sticks out was when I was wrestling in high school. I was going for the state championship. He and all my brothers were there– there are six boys in the family, so there were five boys there with dad. You wrestle with all these other guys all year round, but he was there when I won. I didn’t care about everybody else– dad was there.”

  One of the most challenging things about fathering a teenager is dealing with their growing desire for independence. Fathers often provide support for a child’s developing autonomy (Parke, 1996, p.144). A father shares his experience when his 16-year-old daughter decided it was time for her to leave home. This story illustrates development work, as the father adapts to the changing needs of his daughter.

  “Parenting adolescents has been a challenge for me, but that hardly makes me unique. A couple of years ago my daughter Kathy, our oldest child, began chafing against parental monitoring and guidance. Nothing too unusual here. She was 15. Over time we gave her more and more “slack, ” eventually getting down to a couple of basic rules: let us know where you are and who you are with, let us know when we can expect you back, call if you’re going to be late, and “be good.”

  “We thought these were very minimal and reasonable rules, but it wasn’t enough for her; she needed to be on her own, completely unfettered by parental ties. We asked her if she thought other parents were more lenient than hers. She said all that she knew were stricter, but she still needed to have her freedom. She just had to be on her own.

  “The summer after her sophomore year in high school, she moved out and into a home with an adult friend and her husband (they have no children). We didn’t approve, but we could see that saying no would really sour our relationship with her. It was hard to say good-bye, even though she still lives close; we had thought we would have more time with her. It’s been especially hard on her mother, who grew up in much more challenging circumstances and didn’t get much parenting or have many of the advantages Kathy enjoyed.

  “I’ve learned first-hand about the process of adolescent autonomy, parental separation, and an emptying nest. I’ve learned that the timing of this process isn’t necessarily predictable and can be sooner than you think, leaving you unprepared. I think we made a good decision, and Kathy seems to be doing well, although it’s harder to know all that’s going on in her life now.

  “I guess I’ve learned that children grow up on different timetables and with different needs and desires. Parents need to respect them. Although we wish we had more time with her, we now realize that parents shouldn’t assume a fixed amount of time (18 years) to rear their children before launching. We hope letting her go will preserve a good relationship so that she will still come to us, physically and emotionally, in the future. That seems to be happening somewhat already.”

  Sometimes a little humor can be the best way to work with teenagers.

  “One day my Dad was working on the car I usually drove. He came inside wearing his work overalls, and I asked him how it was going. He said it was going fine, but he had to go to the store and get something to finish up. I said, “You’re not going to the store looking like that…how embarrassing! You look like a geek. Don’t tell anyone you’re my Dad.” I was kind of joking but I did think it would be embarrassing if he ran into someone I knew. A few minutes later he came out of his room with home-made signs taped to his front and back that said “I’m a geek” and “I’m Kimberlie’s Dad.”

  “He got in the car and was leaving and I was laughing. I was a little embarrassed but it also made me realize how dumb it was to worry about my friends knowing he was my Dad, even when he looked like a geek. I’m glad I could have a good, fun relationship with my Dad.”

  Many times fathers do things they regret later. The following is a story of a father who learned from what he felt was a mistake:

  “I know that self esteem is our most fragile commodity. So much of what we do as parents destroys self esteem “–clean up your room, it’s such a mess.” “–why did you only get a C in your math?” – etc. I will never forget when we were going to Philmont Scout Ranch to participate in the LDS scouter training. We had six of our children in the car with us. Mike (15) had bought a cowboy hat. He was pleased with himself in the hat. I thought he looked dumb–perhaps I was embarrassed. Well, I put him down over it, multiple times. I very much regret this….Now I deal so differently with the gang in similar situations. I try to be sensitive as to how I act over clothes or things that are important to them.”

  Conclusion
  FatherWork can be especially challenging when it involves teenage children who are stretching their wings towards greater independence. During these years, generative fathers can be the wind beneath the wings of their adolescent children as they fly farther and farther from the nest exploring a world full of opportunities and dangers. As teenagers search for a stable identity and choose a personal value system, fathers may feel unnoticed and distant from their teenagers. But as fathers work to build a strong and trusting relationship through the early years and continue to tell their maturing youth they love them, their teenagers will sense that quiet wind lifting their youthful wings and appreciate its strength and guidance. Although fathers walk a step behind their teenages during these years, their children can still recognize their dads as one of the true heroes in their lives.

More metaphors about fathering

By Alan on Mar 15 in Blog tagged "hmmm", "uh huh", admiration, agree to disagree, air grievances, anger, arguments, avoid conflict, being defensive, being selfish, calm yourself, comments, communication, compromise, conflict, conflicts, contempt, criticism, denying responsibility, disagreeing, distance, divorce, emotions, fight, fights, fragile, get really mad, happiness, I see, insults, interactiong, jogging, laughter, listen, making excuses, marriage, marriage is positive, name calling, paying compliments, peacemaking, relationship, repairing the damage, resolve, shouting matches, smiling, talking things out, touching, trust, validationg, volatile, what makes marriage work, wisdom | Comments Off

What Makes Marriage Work?

It’s how you resolve conflict that matters most.

Research indicates you can get really mad or avoid conflict altogether. But the positivity must outweigh the negativity by five to one.

If you are worried about the future of your marriage or relationship, you have plenty of company. There’s no denying that this is a frightening time for couples. More than half of all first marriages end in divorce; 60 percent of second marriages fail. What makes the numbers even more disturbing is that no one seems to understand why our marriages have become so fragile.

In pursuit of the truth about what tears a marriage apart or binds it together, I have found that much of the conventional wisdom–even among marital therapists–is either misguided or dead wrong. For example, some marital patterns that even professionals often take as a sign of a problem–such as having intense fights or avoiding conflict altogether–I have found can signify highly successful adjustments that will keep a couple together. Fighting, when it airs grievances and complaints, can be one of the healthiest things a couple can do for their relationship.

If there’s one lesson I’ve learned in my years of research into marital relationships–having interviewed and studied more than 200 couples over 20 years–it is that a lasting marriage results from a couple’s ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship. Many couples tend to equate a low level of conflict with happiness and believe the claim “we never fight” is a sign of marital health. But I believe we grow in our relationships by reconciling our differences. That’s how we become more loving people and truly experience the fruits of marriage.

Although there are other dimensions that are telling about a union, the intensity of argument seems to bring out a marriage’s true colors. To classify a marriage, in my lab at the University of Washington in Seattle, I look at the frequency of fights, the facial expressions and physiological responses (such as pulse rate and amount of sweating) of both partners during their confrontations, as well as what they say to each other and in what tone of voice they interact verbally.

But there’s much more to a successful relationship than knowing how to fight well. Not all stable couples resolve conflicts in the same way, nor do they mean the same thing by “resolving” their conflict. In fact, I have found that there are three different styles of problem solving into which healthy marriages tend to settle:

o Validating. Couples compromise often and calmly work out their problems to mutual satisfaction as they arise.

o Volatile. Conflict erupts often, resulting in passionate disputes.

o Conflict-avoiding. Couples agree to disagree, rarely confronting their differences head-on.

Previously, many psychologists might have considered conflict-avoiding and volatile marriages to be destructive. But my research suggests that all three styles are equally stable and bode equally well for the marriage’s future.

“HEALTHY” MARRIAGE STYLES

One of the first things to go in a marriage is politeness. As laughter and validation disappear, criticism and pain well up. Your attempts to get communication back on track seem useless, and partners become lost in hostile and negative thoughts and feelings. Yet here’s the surprise: There are couples whose fights are as deafening as thunder yet who have long-lasting, happy relationships.

The following three newly married couples accurately illustrate the three distinct styles of marriage.

Bert and Betty, both 30, both came from families that weren’t very communicative, and they were determined to make communication a priority in their relationship. Although they squabbled occasionally, they usually addressed their differences before their anger boiled over. Rather than engaging in shouting matches, they dealt with their disagreements by having “conferences” in which each aired his or her perspective. Usually, they were able to arrive at a compromise.

Max 40, and Anita, 25, admitted that they quarreled far more than the average couple. They also tended to interrupt each other and defend their own point of view rather than listen to what their partner was expressing. Eventually, however, they would reach some sort of accord. Despite their frequent tension, however, they seemed to take much delight in each other.

Joe, 29, and Sheila, 27, said they thought alike about almost everything and felt “an instant comfort” from the start. Although they spent a good deal of time apart, they still enjoyed each other’s company and fought very rarely. When tension did arise, both considered solo jogging more helpful in soothing the waters than talking things out or arguing.

Not surprisingly, Bert and Betty were still happily married four years after I’d first interviewed them. However, so were Max and Anita, as well as Joe and Sheila.  Marriages like Bert and Betty’s, though, which emphasize communication and compromise, have long been held up as the ideal. Even when discussing a hot topic, they display a lot of ease and calm, and have a keen ability to listen to and understand each other’s emotions.

That’s why I call such couples “validators”: In the midst of disagreement they still let their partners know that they consider his or her emotions valid, even if they don’t agree with them. This expression of mutual respect tends to limit the number of arguments couples need to have.

 Anita and Max take a different approach to squabbling than do Bert and Betty, yet their marriage remained just as solid over time. How can people who seem to thrive on skirmishes live happily together? The truth is that not every couple who fights this frequently has a stable marriage. But we call those who do “volatile.” Such couples fight on a grand scale and have an even grander time making up.

By Alan on Nov 17 in Blog tagged choices, cycle, dysfunctional family, Family, family values, Father, find refuge, Generation, hugs, important, influence, legacy, loved, meals together, molded, mother, parents, positive, potters clay, relationship, rituals, security, self-image, strong family, strong family bonds, The Family, values | Comments Off

FAMILY VALUES 

As a potter molds clay to form a beautiful creation, so does the strong bond of family and good values. Family bonds are a link to our beginning and a guide to our future. Early influences are fundamental to our individual development.

We all want to “belong” and feel accepted. A sense of belonging is derived from the strong bond of family. Family is where our roots take hold and from there we grow. We are molded within a unit, which prepares us for what we will experience in the world and how we react to those experiences. Values are taught at an early age and are carried with us throughout our life.

A close family bond is like a safe harbor where we find refuge. From trusting that someone will pick us up when we fall, as a toddler, to someone being there for us as we experience the storms in life – family bonds help to instill trust and hope in the world around us and belief in ourselves. Rituals of bedtime stories, hugs, holidays and daily meals shared together, provide a sense of warmth, structure and safety. These rituals and traditions, not only create memories and leave a family legacy, but create our first path in life – one that is positive.

Our very spirit can either blossom or wither within the family unit. When we don’t have the security and influence of strong family bonds early in life, the ground work is laid for an emptiness, that is often sought to be filled, through destructive venues. If one isn’t loved as a child, they may later seek love and acceptance in a way that brings them harm. There is a deep yearning to fill that hollowness, residing in the heart and soul, from never knowing what it’s like to be loved, accepted and appreciated for “being”.

There can be long-term effects from living in a detached or dysfunctional family. The cycle is often repeated through generations. Children often grow up believing this dysfunctional unit is normal and they may gravitate toward people and situations that mimic the dysfunction they were accustomed to.
A healthy relationship won’t be easily recognized because it’s foreign to someone who hasn’t lived within a close and loving family. Often drug and alcohol abuse or domestic violence is repeated, whether by a learned behavior or an escape from behavior that was poured upon an innocent child.

A child may have poor self-image, isolating themselves from peers at school or holding anger and pain inside. This not only affects the emotional well-being, but also physical well-being. The poor self-image may be with them throughout life, causing an inability to make positive choices or be close to others. It’s hard to succeed in life when the core of your being has never been nurtured. Healthy development begins before we are born by the choice parents make for the path their children will follow.

Strong family bonds help us to thrive in all aspects of life. Lack of these bonds can lead to forever seeking that something which is missing. Don’t take the value of family bonds for granted. You can mold a beautiful creation for today and the generations that follow!

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will  not depart from it.“ Prov. 22: 6

by Kathy DFor The Family

By Alan on Feb 10 in Blog tagged abstain, abstinence, affects, finds, marriage, Mormon, quality, relationship, research, satisfaction, sex, Stability, timing, trust, university | 2 Comments

A new BYU study, published in the American Psychological Association’s Journal of Family Psychology, shows that those ideas are not supported by research — and that includes people of all ages, races and religious backgrounds.

“So many people think that sexual compatibility must be one of the first things figured out,” said Dean Busby, BYU professor and lead author on the study. “However, we didn’t find any benefit to early sexual involvement.”

In fact, researchers came to find that sexual timing in relationships has a large effect on the quality of relationships and overall satisfaction. They concluded that individuals who waited until marriage to have sex experienced more satisfaction, stability and better communication in relationships.

For members of the Church, the concept of waiting to have sex until marriage isn’t new — the commandment is an eternal principle encouraged from a young age and emphasized in the youth programs of the Church and the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet.

The newly published research shows some of the other benefits — more than the spiritual — that come from abstinence until marriage.

“The research supports it from a different angle,” Brother Busby said. “That was part of our hope … makes people think maybe there is more to this commandment to be with one person. It builds relationships in very important ways and helps people make better decisions in who to marry.”

Research shows that as couples develop their relationship while delaying or refraining from sexual intimacy they are able to form foundations on communication and other social processes.

“When couples become sexual early in the relationship … other areas do not develop as well,” Brother Busby said. “Couples who wait spend time talking and sharing their life, getting to know each other in other ways, strengthening their relations and creating greater relationship satisfaction.”

Brother Busby, along with his BYU associates Jason Carroll and Brian Willoughby, started studying sexual timing at the end of 2007. More than 2,000 married individuals answered questions while participating in an online marital assessment called “RELATE” — a study that has been collecting data and conducting research on different aspects of relationships and marriage for more than 30 years.

The average age of participants was 36, but the sample ages ranged from as young as 18 and as old as 70. Although the recent study came out of BYU, a known religious institution, researchers were sure to take religiosity into account, controlling the study to represent more of the demographics of the married American population, including participants of all ages, races and religious affiliation in the study. Only six percent of the study included members of the Church.

Along with questions about communication and overall satisfaction in relationships, participants answered the question, “When did you become sexual in this relationship?”

Researchers found that for those who waited to have sex until they were married rated their relationship stability 22 percent higher, their relationship satisfaction 20 percent higher, sexual quality of the relationship 15 percent better and communication 12 percent better, than those who did not wait for marriage. Results from the study show that couples who were in between — meaning those who became sexually involved later in the relationship but prior to marriage — had half of the reported benefits.

“When couples are sexual very early it sets up seeds of distrust,” Brother Busby said. “Knowing that the person was sexual with [an individual] before they really knew [that person] without a commitment and trust lingers in a relationship.”

That, Brother Busby said, leads to less stability and trust.

“In the end, sex in a relationship is relative,” Brother Busby said. “If you think of the amount of time in relationships, it is relatively small. Time talking and developing relationships is greater and are so crucial in how you are going to feel in the companionship. Today, things are turned upside down. It is all about sex first and then couples hope the other areas develop.”

Although the physical element in a relationship is still very important, Brother Busby said, it is the timing that is the crucial part.

In the end, research proves that following the standards set forth in the gospel contributes to stronger relationships and greater satisfaction.

“The longer a couple waits, the better,” Brother Busby said.

mholman@desnews.com

By Alan on Jan 22 in Blog, Videos tagged alan, Alex, Apostle, ask advice, barbershop, big talks, Bob Hope, careful, choices, church, David, Douglas, drinking, drugs, feelings, fishing, future, Generation, group, growing up, harmony, home, interest, Jon, judgement, leadership, life, Like Father, Like son, listen, love, manhood, mentor, Michael, missionaries, music, Nathan, normal, Osmonds, parents, pornography, pray, relationship, role model, Russell Nelson, Scott, Second, sex, share, show, stage, Suzanne, time, troubled times, trust, Tyler, video, watch, work | 3 Comments

What a responsibility it is to be a father of eights sons and growing up especially during these troubled times with  them possibly wanting to pattern their lives and careers after my own, in show business.  Such was the case of my sons, The Osmonds Second Generation.

Yes, we love music and our home was filled with it.  Our boys actually stated singing on their own.  Suzanne and I discovered one night after returning home from a night out together and found our sons watching old videos of me and my brothers singing barbershop harmony.  The funny thing was they were singing right along with the video and singing in two part harmony as well!  We both looked at each other and said, oh, oh!

The next day I sat my sons down and taught them a song in two part harmony. They did it!  Soon, they were trying to sing in three parts and eventually, four parts!  They sang at church and a few private parties and were invited to be on the Eugene Jelesnick Talent Showcase TV Show in Salt Lake City, Utah; the same show my brothers and I did when we were young!  Bob Hope saw them, put them on his National TV Special and we have been chasing after them ever since!

While they were young, we gave them piano lessons and encouraged their interests in music but Suzanne and I also knew that they needed good educations and tried to keep their music as a hobby.  While maintaining somewhat normal lives and going to school, they had great opportunities and success especially in England with four top twenty hit songs with videos.

Soon, it was time for Michael, the oldest, to serve as a missionary for our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which he chose to do and left the group to serve for two years in Denmark speaking Danish.  When it was time, Nathan also did the same and went to Chile.  Doug went to South Africa, David to Spain. Scott served in Paraguay and Jon went to to Brazil.  Alex served stateside in Atlanta, Georgia and our youngest, Tyler, is yet to be seen.

When  our boys returned from their mission calls they went to college and majored in various areas of business yet became very good at entertaining with a love for music.  Suzanne and I had both encouraged them to get “Real Jobs” by getting a good education, and most of them did.  Still, some have pursued music careers and we now see their talent and love for music showing up n their own children!

I realize how important it is for fathers to “set the stage” of life for your children to follow as they may become like you.  

Fathers and sons can play a critical role in helping each other become the best that they can be.  As we sit shoulder to shoulder in worshiping our Lord at church as priesthood holders or ‘Side by Side’ singing together on stage, we realize that we with our families can also become part of an eternal family of God.

M. Russell Nelson, a friend and an Apostle of our church reminds us that,  ”Father and sons need to talk together and possibly work together as there is no other relationship quite like that which can and should exist between a boy and his dad.  It can be one of the most nurturing, joyful relationships in life, one that can have profound impact on who boys become and also who dads become.  We are all on a journey with Dads a little further down the road, but none of us has yet arrived at our final destination.  We are all in the process of becoming who we will one day be. Fathers and sons can play a critical role in helping each other become the best that they can be.

I know that father-son relationships are never perfect, but it is possible if you will put forth the effort to make it happen.

Young men, you are your father’s pride and joy. In you they see a promising future and their hope for a better, improved version of themselves. Your accomplishments are a joy to them. Your worries and problems are their worries and problems.

Fathers, you are the primary model of manhood for your sons. You are their most meaningful mentor, and believe it or not, you are their hero in countless ways. Your words and your example are a great influence on them.”

I appreciate what Brother Nelson says, “I believe that by doing these three simple things you can make your relationship with your father even better than it is right now.

First, trust your father. He is not perfect, but he loves you and would never do anything he didn’t think was in your best interest. So talk to him. Share your thoughts and feelings, your dreams and your fears. The more he knows about your life, the better chance he has to understand your concerns and to give you good counsel. When you put your trust in your dad, he will feel the responsibility of that trust and try harder than ever to understand and to help. As your father, he is entitled to inspiration on your behalf. His advice to you will be the heartfelt expressions of someone who knows and loves you. Your dad wants more than anything for you to be happy and successful, so why would you not want to trust someone like that? Boys, trust your dad.

Second, take an interest in your father’s life. Ask about his job, his interests, his goals. How did he decide to do the work that he does? What was he like when he was your age? How did he meet your mother? And as you learn more about him, you may find that his experiences help you to better understand why he responds the way that he does. Watch your dad. Watch how he treats your mother. Watch how he performs his Church callings. Watch how he interacts with other people. You will be surprised what you learn about him just by watching him and listening to him. Think about what you don’t know about him and find out. Your love, admiration, and understanding will increase by what you learn. Boys, be interested in your dad’s life.

My Father and brother Wayne.

And third, ask your father for advice. Let’s be honest: he is probably going to give you his advice whether you ask for it or not, but it just works so much better when you ask! Ask for his advice on Church activity, on classes, on friends, on school, on dating, on sports or other hobbies. Ask for his counsel on your Church assignments, on preparing for your mission, on decisions or choices you have to make. Nothing shows respect for another person as much as asking for his advice, because what you are really saying when you ask for advice is, “I appreciate what you know and the experiences you have had, and I value your ideas and suggestions.” Those are nice things for a father to hear from his son.

In my experience, fathers who are asked for advice try harder to give good, sound, useful counsel. By asking your father for advice, you not only receive the benefit of his input, but you also provide him with a little extra motivation to strive to be a better father and a better man. He will think more carefully about whatever it is that he advises, and he will work harder to “walk the talk.” Young men, ask your dad for advice!

OK, fathers, now it’s your turn. Let’s talk about some things you can do to enhance your relationship with your sons. You will notice that there is some linkage between the three suggestions I am going to give you and the suggestions I just gave your sons. That isn’t coincidental.

First, fathers, listen to your sons—really listen to them. Ask the right kind of questions, and listen to what your sons have to say each time you have a few minutes together. You need to know—not to guess but to know—what is going on in your son’s life. Don’t assume that you know how he feels just because you were young once. Your sons live in a very different world from the one in which you grew up. As they share with you what’s going on, you will have to listen very carefully and without being judgmental in order to understand what they are thinking and experiencing.

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Father often took us fishing. Alan, Merrill, Wayne.

Find your own best way to connect. Some fathers like to take their sons fishing or to a sporting event. Others like to go on a quiet drive or work side by side in the yard. Some find their sons enjoy conversations at night just before going to bed. Do whatever works best for you. A one-on-one relationship should be a routine part of your stewardship with your sons. Every father needs at least one focused, quality conversation with his sons every month during which they talk about specific things such as school, friends, feelings, video games, text messaging, worthiness, faith, and testimony. Where or when this happens isn’t nearly as important as the fact that it happens.

Father taught us to work but listened.

And oh, how fathers need to listen. Remember, conversation where you do 90 percent of the talking is not a conversation. Use the word “feel” as often as you comfortably can in your discussions with your sons. Ask: “How do you feel about what you’re learning in that class?” “How do you feel about what your friend said?” “How do you feel about your priesthood and the Church?”

Don’t think you have to try to fix everything or solve everything during these visits. Most of the time, the best thing you can do is just listen. Fathers who listen more than they talk find that their sons share more about what is really going on in their lives. Dads, listen to your sons.

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Second, pray with and for your sons. Give them priesthood blessings. A son who is worried about a big exam or a special event will surely benefit from a father’s priesthood blessing. Occasions like the start of a new school year, a birthday, or as he begins to date may be opportune times to call upon the Lord to bless your son. One-on-one prayer and the sharing of testimonies can draw you closer to each other as well as closer to the Lord.

I am mindful that many of you fathers suffer heartache over sons who have strayed and are being captured by the world, just as Alma and Mosiah worried about their sons. Continue to do all you can to maintain strong family relationships. Never give up, even when fervent prayer in their behalf is all you can do. These precious sons of yours are your sons forever! Fathers, pray with and bless your sons.  

Third, dare to have the “big talks” with your sons. You know what I mean: talks about drugs and drinking, about the dangers of today’s media—the Internet, cyber technologies, and pornography—and about priesthood worthiness, respect for girls, and moral cleanliness. While these should not be the only subjects you talk about with your sons, please don’t shy away from them. Your boys need your counsel, guidance, and input on these subjects. As you talk about these very important matters, you will find that the trust between you will flourish.

I am especially concerned that we communicate openly and clearly with our sons about sexual matters. Your sons are growing up in a world that openly embraces and flaunts early, casual, and thoughtless promiscuity. Your sons simply cannot avoid the blatant sexual imagery, messages, and enticements that are all around them. Fathers and Church leaders need to have open and frequent discussions that teach and clarify how young men of the priesthood handle this issue. Be positive about how wonderful and beautiful physical intimacy can be when it happens within the bounds the Lord has set, including temple covenants and commitments of eternal marriage. Studies show that the biggest deterrent to casual sexual activity is a wholesome attitude that connects such personal relationships with genuine commitment and mature love. Fathers, if you have not had this “big talk” with your sons, please do so, and do it soon.

And fathers, the three suggestions I made to you moments ago absolutely apply to your relationships with your returned missionary sons. Listen to them, and connect with them in regular, focused conversation. Talk with them in depth about their feelings and desires. Pray with them, and give them blessings as they face the important decisions in their future.

Alex at Temple Leaving on Mission.

Elder Ballard says to young men like mine who are returned missionaries to “trust your father. You can be closer to him now than ever before regardless of what your relationship was like before your mission. During the next few years, you will make the most important decisions of your life. Along with prayer to your Heavenly Father, advice from your earthly father can help you make those decisions concerning your education, career choice, and marriage. The most important decision you will make in this life is the decision to marry the right girl in the temple! While no one should rush this significant decision, all returned missionaries should be working on it. Be where you can meet the right kind of friends. And go on dates. Hanging out is not the way, nor is it enough! Courting seems to be a lost art. Rediscover it. It really works! Ask your fathers—they know! Do not drift to the ways of the world. Rather, maintain the dignity and the Spirit you enjoyed on your mission. The Church will need your leadership in the future.”

(Alan, My Father George, My son Scott – 3 generations)

I have never been a father before.  I have watched my father while growing up and how he handled problems, made decisions, and handled situations as I grew older.  With my eight sons, I have often tried to remember those times and have applied it to my own sons.  I remind them that this life is a time to make choices; that those choices that we made in heaven before we came here determined where we are in this life.  And, the choices we make here will decide which mansion in heaven we go to after we die and return to our Heavenly parents.  I cannot tell them who to love.  I cannot tell them what you should do for a living.  But what I can do is show continual love and support and be there to catch them should they fall.

We need to make our homes a place of refuge from the storm, which is increasing in intensity all about us. Even if the smallest openings are left unattended, negative influences can penetrate the very walls of our homes.

Alan Osmond
For the Family

M. Russell Ballard
A Talk from General Conference