Spend More Time With Your Family
By Alan on Jul 16 in Blog tagged a family calling, attention, Be Home, date night, diverse, share interests, spend more time with your family, The Family, theFamily, time passes quickly, together forever | Comments Off
Families are as diverse as individuals. The activities they do together vary, but one thing is true for all of them: as President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e, time.”1Whether family members get together for scheduled outings, sharing interests, or serving others, these gatherings strengthen relationships that can be eternal. The families below share what they’ve learned about making time together a priority.
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Individual Attention
Leyla Williams of Virginia, USA, understands that children need one-on-one interaction just as much as adults, so she and her husband make it a priority to schedule time with them.
“My husband and I came up with our ‘Mommy and Me’ or ‘Daddy and Me’ dates with our five children,” Leyla says. “We would take them out—one at a time—for an evening or afternoon together. Sometimes it was dinner, sometimes bowling, sometimes just an ice cream cone or playing at the playground. But it was always a chance to stay close to them as they grew and to keep lines of communication open.
“As our children got older, the conversations we had on these ‘dates’ would turn to problems they were having with school, friends, siblings, and—yes—even their parents! Sometimes the conversations went deeper into struggles with certain commandments or their testimonies. Because we started when they were young, our teenage children were more comfortable broaching subjects that others their age might have found very difficult to discuss with a parent.
“Now that our older children are blazing through their teenage years, and all the activities that entails, we use it as a time to reconnect and reestablish those close relationships. Our kids look forward to it and like to plan their own activities. And with everyone headed in all different directions, I can look forward to those golden moments of having my children’s undivided attention for at least an hour or so.”
“When I’m Home, I’m Home”
Joe Staples of Utah, USA, sometimes found it challenging to keep an appropriate balance between his profession and his home life.
“Like many people, I had a natural tendency to want to excel, to do well, to get the next promotion—all worthy goals,” he says. “However, too often that ambition can come at the expense of family time.”
So, Joe set a rule that has helped him keep things in perspective and give his family the attention they need.
“Early in my career I set a personal rule that has helped me tremendously. In a nutshell, it has been, ‘When I’m home, I’m home.’ For me that meant not coming home from work simply to do more work. Not checking e-mail on the weekend. Not taking business calls at my home. I try to make a clear distinction between my work life and my time with family. This approach didn’t detract from my ambitions at work, and there were occasional exceptions, but in general this simple rule created an environment where I could be an engaged and involved father during my all-important time at home.”
Redefining “Date Night”
Bob and Suellen Weiler of Georgia, USA, have learned through many years of marriage that while some things are nonnegotiable, that doesn’t mean “family time” can’t be redefined. When it comes to date night, they know that the activity isn’t the most important part.
“As a couple, we have had to redefine ‘date night’ many times over the years,” Suellen says. “Now and then we actually do the dinner-and-a-movie thing, but many times we count running errands together, an emergency visit to one of the families he home teaches, or going to the hospital to give a blessing as our date. Our experience is that a chat over ice cream can make any outing a ‘date’!”
Sharing Interests
Making family a priority can be a challenge at any phase of life, but once children are grown and grandchildren live far away, it can be particularly difficult to spend time with family members. One grandmother was determined to spend time with her grandchildren, even though it was difficult.
“Refusing to be robbed of the ties and strength that come from my bright grandchildren, I decided to fight back. Grandmas can do that, you know,” says Joan Bone of Utah.
Joan decided to set aside a day to spend time with her grandchildren who lived nearby, but she had difficulty deciding what they should do together. She considered the activities her grandchildren liked, but Joan wanted to do something they could all enjoy—grandma and grandchildren alike.
“A wonderful inspiration came to me,” she says. “It was, ‘Share with them what you like, what you do. They get plenty of the activities that they do.’
“As we piled out of the car and gathered into my kitchen on the appointed day, the earthy aroma of wheat and yeast greeted us. The table was ready. The dough was prepared, and the boys’ eyes grew wide as I released it onto the table. My grandsons each took a portion and pushed, pulled, smacked, and rolled it. They smelled the dough and rubbed it against their cheeks. We laughed and talked and kneaded. We each formed a loaf and set it aside to rise again (if the yeast survived the intense workout the boys gave it) while we ate fried scones made from the extra dough. With honey dripping through our fingers, we enjoyed each other’s company and love.”
A Family Calling
The Ashby family from Utah has learned that serving in Church callings doesn’t need to distract from family time. They often find ways to help their father fulfill his Church calling while still spending time together as a family.
“When my husband was set apart as bishop, we decided that our young family would seek out opportunities to combine family time and his calling whenever possible,” Lisa Ashby said. “We began ‘family visit nights,’ where we visit ward members to let them know we are thinking of them. We take homemade goodies to them on Sunday evenings or invite them over for dinner or family home evening.”
Together Forever
While it can be easy to get caught up in planning activities and coordinating schedules, it’s significant to remember why families are important. “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” states, “The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave.”2 Thus, strengthening those relationships helps us prepare for eternal life.
We can teach our children these important principles by holding family prayer and family home evening, going to church, keeping the commandments, reading the scriptures together, and keeping the focus of all these activities on the temple.
No matter how busy we are, these efforts will make a difference. As Lisa Ashby explains, “Finding time within our callings or responsibilities to include the family brings great strength, deepens testimonies, softens hearts, and builds a strong foundation of faith and service.”
Time Passes Quickly
“Near the end of his life, one father looked back on how he had spent histime on earth. An acclaimed, respected author of numerous scholarly works, he said, ‘I wish I had written one less book and taken my children fishing more often.’
“Time passes quickly. Many parents say that it seems like yesterday that their children were born. Now those children are grown, perhaps with children of their own. ‘Where did the years go?’ they ask. We cannot call back time that is past, we cannot stop time that now is, and we cannot experience the future in our present state. Time is a gift, a treasure not to be put aside for the future but to be used wisely in the present.”
President Thomas S. Monson
Grandparents can make a huge difference through an investment of quality time with their grandchildren.
Inviting the Spirit through hymns helps unite families.
Train Up A Child In ‘The Way’ He Should Go…
By Alan on Feb 12 in Blog tagged a, attention, blessed, child, childhood, children, church, commandments, communication, conflict, depart, difficult, endure, everyday, faith, give, go, goodness, job, Joseph Smith, kids, learning, long-suffering, Lord, love, More, neglect, neglected, organized, physical, playing, pleasurable, precious, psychological, recreation, talk, taught, teach, the way, time, Tom Perry, train, up, values, working | Comments Off
“Train up a child in the way he should go.” writes the author of Proverbs, “and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)
My mind was drawn to this admonition recently while reading an article in one of our current news publications on “Our Neglected Kids.” The article pointed out that “most of them are properly clothed and fed, but something is missing in the lives of countless children.” For many of them, “it is a matter of needing more attention from their parents,” who are caught up in everyday pressures.
The article says:
“In a nation that professes to take pride in its young, … social change is inflicting harm—physical and psychological—on millions of children. For them, growing up in America is becoming an ordeal instead of a joy.
“As their parents struggle to cope with divorce, single parenthood, dual careers, and a troublesome economy, many of the nation’s more than 47.6 million children under the age of 14 pay the price in ways that range from simple neglect to outright abuse.
“Parents are caught in a crunch of conflicting values,” the article points out, quoting Edward Weaver. “They value children, but they value other things as well, such as time for themselves, material goods, status and their careers. Given these conflicts, in a number of instances they neglect children or don’t give them a fair shake.” (U.S. News & World Report, 9 Aug. 1982, p. 54.)
As I travel outside the boundaries of this country, I seem to find these same problems growing elsewhere. These are danger signals for our children. We find more mothers with jobs, more single-parent homes, an enormous increase in children born out of wedlock. These growing social changes are causing increased difficulty for the children in our society today.
Articles such as the one I have quoted deeply trouble me, for I had such a pleasant, happy childhood. The pleasure of being a parent has always been special to me. It is impossible to express the love I have for my children and grandchildren.
I marvel at the miracle of the birth of a child. Just recently we experienced it again in our family. You receive a phone call, and there is the anxious voice of your son-in-law on the other end, stating, “I am just on my way to the hospital with Linda Gay.” Then you sit anxiously all day waiting for further news. Finally it comes: It’s a boy! Then you drop everything and rush to the hospital to offer your congratulations. There you see this blessed miracle—your own child, now with a baby cradled in her arms with warmth and tender love. You see a son-in-law so excited, and he starts pointing out that the baby’s nose looks like his mother’s. Maybe the chin and mouth resemble his. Then he looks at the hands and says, “Surely, these must be from the Perry side of the family. Look how large they are!”
A deep love wells up within you as you witness this blessed event and realize the joy and happiness these new parents will now have as the process is repeated again in their lives.
I am surely not an authority on child rearing. I have had my challenges, just as many parents have experienced. However, since reading this article, I have been directed to the words of the prophets, past and present, stressing the importance of the responsibility of a parent to train up a child.
In the Old Testament, there is an account of the Lord giving instructions to Moses just before He delivered the Ten Commandments to him. It states:
“The Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth,
“Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children’s children, unto the third and to the fourth generation.” (Ex. 34:6–7.)
In the New Testament, Paul, writing to the Ephesians, counseled them:
“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” (Eph. 6:4.)
The Book of Mormon begins with a son giving credit to the training of goodly parents:
“I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father.” (1 Ne. 1:1.)
Instructions through the Prophet Joseph Smith to members of the Church in this day are explicit regarding the responsibilities of parents to children:
“And again, inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrines of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents.” (D&C 68:25.)
At the time I was a new parent, President David O. McKay presided over the Church. His counsel was clear and direct regarding our responsibilities to our children. He taught us the most precious gift a man and woman can receive is a child of God, and that the raising of a child is basically, fundamentally, and most exclusively a spiritual process.
He directed us to basic principles we need to teach our children. The first and most important inner quality you can instill in a child is faith in God.The first and most important action a child can learn is obedience. And the most powerful tool you have with which to teach a child is love. (SeeInstructor, Vol. 84, Dec. 1949, p. 620.)
Let us examine together these three basic principles. President Brigham Young instructed parents by saying:
“If each and every one of us who are parents will reflect upon the responsibilities devolving upon us, we shall come to the conclusion that we should never permit ourselves to do anything that we are not willing to see our children do. We should set them an example that we wish them to imitate.” (Journal of Discourses, 14:192.)
If we are to instill faith in our children, they must see us demonstrate our faith in their young lives. They must see us on our knees daily, asking the Lord for His blessings and expressing our gratitude unto Him. They need to see us using our priesthood to administer to those in need, and to bless our children. They need to see us reverently worshiping in our sacrament meetings. They need to see us cheerfully and willingly giving of our time and talents to the building of the Lord’s kingdom here on earth. They need to see us proving our faith by the payment of our tithes and offerings to Him. They need to see us diligently studying and discussing the scriptures to increase our faith and understanding.
I read recently an article in a magazine designed especially for Latter-day Saints about a study that was made of the benefits of reading to children. It stated that when a mother or a father consistently reads to a child, the child enters school at a much higher level and excels in reading during these early grades. If there is a direct correlation between the early training a child receives from parents and the rapidity with which a child learns, how important would it be, then, for us to spend time reading the gospel of Jesus Christ to our children, to imbue and instill in them, in their tender and early years, faith in the gospel of our Lord and Savior?
The second principle President McKay outlined for us is obedience.President Joseph Fielding Smith has said: “Of course there should be prayer and faith and love and obedience to God in the home. It is the duty of parents to teach their children these saving principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ, so that they will know why they are to be baptized and that they may be impressed in their hearts with a desire to continue to keep the commandments of God after they are baptized, that they may come back into his presence. Do you, my good brethren and sisters, want your families, your children; do you want to be sealed to your fathers and your mothers before you? … If so, then you must begin by teaching at the cradle-side. You are to teach by example as well as precept.” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1948, p. 153.)
I remember being impressed one time with the need to teach obedience. I was on a new job working long hours, and I guess I was somewhat neglectful of my family. My son seemed to crave more time and attention. He was finding all sorts of ways to attract my attention. One day when I came home, his mother had him prepared to take me downstairs to see what mischief he had recently created. As we descended the stairs, he sheepishly opened the door to our food storage room. There I found he had been using his dart set to practice his marksmanship on our food storage. He caught my attention all right, and made me realize he was looking for the metes and bounds we expected of him in our family government. When they were outlined, and when I gave him the proper attention, then he was very obedient. How important it is that we teach obedience early in the lives of our children, especially to the commandments of the Lord!
Finally, President McKay taught us the necessity of love. I’ve always been impressed with the fact that when the Lord was teaching His disciples in those final hours of His earthly ministry as they met in the Last Supper, after teaching service by the washing of their feet, His next instructions concerned love. He taught,
“A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” (John 13:34.)
I recently enjoyed an article in the Reader’s Digest written about enduring values. It stated “that the climate of our times tends to support the idea that love is a seasonal monsoon: it comes, it blows fiercely; it goes by. That is too bad, because a child needs the kind of love that is as trustworthy as the rising of the sun. If a child is to grow up to truly join the human race, he needs to know how to keep love alive.
“A child should learn not merely to love, but to be a loving person—to make love his stance in the world. ‘Love’ may come and go, but a loving person, like the sun itself, never loses his or her sustaining warmth.” (Reader’s Digest, June 1981, p. 164.)
Sometime ago I remember reading about an experiment with chickens. I do not remember the source. Young pullets, as they grew in their life cycle, were given all of the food they needed to eat, without being required to make an effort to obtain it. Then as the pullets matured, they were turned out into the chicken coop, where they had to scratch for their food. A chicken who had never been taught how to scratch as a pullet would mature without learning this ability and would literally starve to death, even though just below the surface of the ground was all the food it needed to sustain life.
Then the article went on to compare this example with a child who was not taught the ability to love early in its life. In all probability, according to the article, the child would not be able to develop that choice characteristic as it matured to adulthood. How tragic it would be if a child were deprived of the ability to love!
Today, I would like you to pause, ponder, and think of the value of an immortal soul, especially the ones entrusted to you as parents. Where are your priorities? Have you committed yourself to give the sufficient time necessary to train your children?
Dr. Nick Stinnett of the University of Nebraska gave a most interesting talk at an annual meeting of the National Council on Family Relations. It was titled “Characteristics of Strong Families.” His six points were:
- A strong family spends a significant amount of time together while playing, working, eating, or in recreation. Although family members all have outside interests, they find adequate time to spend together.
- Strong families have a high degree of commitment to each family member, as indicated not only by the time spent together, but also by their ability to work together in a common cause.
- Strong families have good communication patterns, as indicated by the time spent listening and speaking to each other in conversation.
- Strong families have a high degree of religious orientation.
- Strong families have the ability to deal with crises in a positive way because they have spent time together, are committed to each other, and have good communication patterns.
- Strong family members frequently give compliments to each other which are genuine and not superficial. (See “In Search of Strong Families,” in Building Family Strengths: Blueprints for Action, ed. Nick Stinnett, et al., Lincoln: University of Nebraska Press, 1979, pp. 23–30.)
We who have embraced the gospel of Jesus Christ ought to have the devotion and the determination necessary to build strong family units. May God bless us that we may “organize [ourselves]; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house” (D&C 109:8) for those we love that is worthy of an eternal family unit is my prayer in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
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L. TOM PERRY
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
Listening To Children With Head And Heart.
By Alan on Jan 13 in Blog tagged accuse, advice, attention, body, ear, Family, feelings, foul, head, hear, heart, interrupt, judge, language, late, lectures, less, listen, mistake, mouth, music, opinions, prayer, strategies, talk, thoughts, tone, voice, words | 2 Comments
From the Publisher: Families today are so busy trying to pack into each day so many things that they become distractions and really are not that important when it comes to having a successful family and a loving home.
I have invited some good researchers that are “Of One Heart” in “Strengthening Families to provide their research and tested information to help us have better communication among ‘The Family’.
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Many sounds in our world compete for our attention. As parents, life can become so hectic that we fail to truly listen to others, especially those closest to us–such as our children. The words of an anonymous author teaches a profound lesson about listening:
A wise, old owl sat on an oak
The more he saw, the less he spoke.
The less he spoke, the more he heard.
Why can’t we all be like that bird?
The ancient Greek philosopher Zeno of Citium said that we have been given one mouth and two ears that we might hear more and talk less.
Careful listening is one of the best ways parents can influence their children for good. It is one of God’s primary ways of influencing us. He has said, “Be still, and know that I am God.” He listens and responds to every heartfelt prayer.
Head and heart listening requires that we attend to more than mere words. To understand the full meaning of what a child is saying to us, we have to “listen” to tone, inflection, feelings, and body language. By truly listening, we are saying to our children: “You are a person of worth. I love you, respect you, and want to understand you.”
Unfortunately, we are often so eager to get our own point across that we interrupt our children with our own ideas and don’t pay enough attention to their thoughts and feelings.
For example, in the movie “Are You Listening,” a father is awakened in the middle of the night by loud music. He arises angrily and heads downstairs to find his teenaged son slumped on the couch, oblivious to the music’s volume. The father steps over to the stereo and switches it off. He then begins a tirade, rebuking his son for being up too late, listening to foul music, putting himself at risk for bad grades and impaired hearing, and every other mini-lecture he can come up with. The son repeatedly tries to explain himself, but his father interrupts and overpowers him each time.
How often as parents do we make a similar mistake?
The goal of listening is to hear, understand, and accept the other person’s feelings and views. Parents need to set aside their lectures and opinions and strive to truly understand their children’s point of view. No one can understand at the same time they’re giving advice.
Anytime we want to truly grasp our child’s thoughts and feelings, we have to give up lecturing (“What you need to do is . . .”), talking about our own experiences (“That same thing happened to me when I was a kid”), and playing down our child’s concern (“Everyone feels that way once in a while”).
Practical Strategies
Strategies for listening to your children with both your head and your heart include:
- Give your children your full attention. Put aside lectures, reactions, feelings, perceptions and judgments. Eliminate distractions such as the newspaper, TV or radio. Put yourself in your child’s shoes and try with all your heart to see the world through his or her eyes. The attitude and spirit you adopt is probably the most important aspect of listening. You can go through the outward motions of listening but not really be hearing anything if you don’t have the attitude and spirit of true listening. Physically, you can give your child full attention by turning and leaning toward him or her to show involvement and concern. You can also watch carefully his or her eyes, where emotions are often communicated.
- Acknowledge your child’s feelings. Sometimes we try to deny our children’s feelings (“You don’t really hate school”), give advice, judge, and accuse. We try to get them to see what we see or feel the way we do, and in the process we prevent them from fully understanding their own experience. As psychologist Haim Ginnott said, “Many people have been educated out of knowing what their feelings are.” Acknowledge and respect your child’s feelings and views. For example, suppose your child returns from school and says, “My teacher yelled at me and everybody laughed!” It would be easy to miss the feelings behind this statement and instead ask, “What did you do to make your teacher so upset?” A better response might be: “That must have been embarrassing for you,” or “It can hurt when people laugh at us.” After acknowledging feelings, you can help your child come up with solutions to avoid the same problem in the future. Some parents think that if they show understanding, their children will think they’re condoning bad behavior. But showing understanding doesn’t mean you agree with their behavior. Rather, it shows you care about their feelings. Children need to feel they are understood before any advice or correction can sink in. The following exchange between a father and daughter, given in Haim Ginnott’s book, Between Parent and Child, shows a father truly listening to his daughter and understanding her feelings: Daughter: My turtle is dead. He was alive this morning. Father: Oh no. What a shock! Daughter: (Tears in her eyes) He was my friend. Father: To lose a friend can hurt. Daughter: I taught him to do tricks. Father: You two had fun together. Daughter: I fed him every day. . . . Father: You really cared about that turtle.
- Invite more discussion. Sometimes acknowledging a child with a sincere “Oh . . . hmmm. . . I see” is enough to invite more discussion. When coupled with a caring attitude, these simple sounds invite children to explore their own thoughts and feelings, and, if they’re trying to solve a problem, possibly come up with their own solutions.
Show understanding by paraphrasing. Paraphrasing means to restate or reflect what another person has said–but without parroting it word for word. Paraphrasing can be especially useful when you’re trying to help someone get to the heart of a problem. Remember the example of the father who blasted his son? In the movie, this same scenario occurs a second time, but this time the father reacts differently. As he enters the room where his son is listening to blaring music, the father calms himself, then notices a disturbed look on his son’s face. Instead of launching into a lecture, he turns the stereo off and asks his son, “What’s going on?” At first the son hedges, “Dad, you don’t want to hear this.” But his father persists, and the son ends up pouring out feelings and fears common to young men. As the father truly listens, he understands, and he’s able to help point his son in the right direction in a way that lectures and commands can never accomplish.
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Written by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.Portions adapted from Dr. Duncan’s article, Communication: Building a Strong Bridge Between You and Your Children , published by Montana State University Extension Service.
